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Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.