I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
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I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin