Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
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[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.