I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
You Might Also Like
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”