if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
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My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.