Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
who called it hell and not heaven’t
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.