my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
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“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
All set.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I love the National Park Service.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.