Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My inexpensive home security system…
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Free him