My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
You Might Also Like
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.