Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked