Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
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My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?