yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
You Might Also Like
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.