ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
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I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Cheer up.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad