I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
You Might Also Like
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!