i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
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Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
The Weeknd is back
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom