Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.