“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.