Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
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me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
*exercises sarcastically*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)