PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
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So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
The game has officially changed 😎
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.