Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.