Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never