Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.