Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
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I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.