[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.