You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I have no passwords left in me
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
So that’s what we looked like?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.