[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
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It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Who called it baking and not making love
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH