This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”