Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
You Might Also Like
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
the greatest twitter interaction
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”