21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.