police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
You Might Also Like
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”