I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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The point of your 20s
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.