Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
You Might Also Like
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts