Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
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‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Is….Is this an option?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that