The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
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I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Worst bar ever.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
The Punning Dead.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.