This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
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if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
The pen is writier than the sword.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol