This dude got his own movie?
You Might Also Like
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl