[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
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Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Sounds like a bargain
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.