My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
You Might Also Like
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’m about to risk it all
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.