You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
live, laugh, laundry.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️