Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
You Might Also Like
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.