Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
How to find Kentucky on a map
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.