When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
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[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.