What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My first child will be named New Folder.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids