Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I cannot call her anything else now
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Anyone really
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard