Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
You Might Also Like
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
The symmetry is uncanny.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win