*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Yup
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.