DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?