Has science gone too far?
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever