saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
#MeanwhileinCanada
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.