when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
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[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent